I've had a lifelong struggle with the old adage "forgive and forget." To begin with, I didn't have strong role models. Growing up, my father held grudges against the world for some of the wrongs he had experienced in life. Later in life, my wife’s family was highly critical of nearly everyone for their shortcomings and missteps. With few good role models, it has taken me a long time to be able to release negative feelings and experience the lightness and solace that forgiveness can bring.
Religions have long encouraged forgiveness, echoing what modern science now reveals. The Bible emphasizes forgiveness as a cornerstone of faith and healing with teachings like "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us"]. Buddhism encourages the cultivation of loving-kindness and compassion towards all beings, recognizing that holding onto anger or resentment harms oneself more than others. Similarly, Hinduism teaches the principle of kshama (forgiveness), advocating for patience and the release of anger as essential for spiritual progress and inner peace.
These ancient insights underscore the universal human experience of finding liberation through the act of letting go. That’s what I’ve wanted but have, nevertheless, found elusive. Despite my desire to rise above resentments, there are a few people whom I just haven't been able to forgive over the years. For example, several of my former colleagues withheld material information from me. Those situations ultimately led to one of the most unpleasant and financially devastating periods in my life. Thus far, it’s been impossible for me to forgive those individuals for their actions and for the consequences that I experienced as a result.
Yet, recent research reveals that forgiveness isn't just emotionally beneficial—it literally rewires our brains in ways that enhance resilience, improve social connections, and free us from the weight of past pain. This discovery has caused me to rethink and shift my perspective on forgiveness.
What Forgiveness Actually Means
Forgiveness doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior or rushing to reconcile with those who hurt us. Instead, it's about releasing the painful grip that past wounds have on our present lives. When we forgive, we're choosing to stop allowing someone else's actions to continue poisoning our well-being.
At its core, forgiveness involves two key processes: developing empathy for the person who caused harm by understanding their perspective, and actively letting go of the negative emotions that bind us to the painful experience. This doesn't require minimizing the harm or pretending it didn't matter—it means choosing our own healing over holding onto hurt.
The Science Behind Emotional Reappraisal
Dr. Felipe De Brigard, the Fuchsberg-Levine Family Associate Professor of Philosophy, and Associate Professor in the departments of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke University, leads a John Templeton Foundation-funded research project on memory and forgiveness. Dr. De Brigard's interest in forgiveness stems from his experiences growing up in war-torn Colombia. When a peace agreement was ratified in 2016, many Colombians expressed a need to "forgive and forget" in order to heal the physical and emotional wounds that so many had suffered. Dr. De Brigard wondered if this was even possible, given the recency of the traumas of that war. He observed that those people who were, in fact, able to forgive also did not forget their traumas.
Dr. De Brigard based his research project on his hypothesis that "emotional reappraisal" is the key process involved in forgiveness. Emotional reappraisal does not involve forgetting wrongdoing or misdeeds. Rather, it requires emotional "mollification"—a shifting of the emotions associated with triggering memories. This mollification dampens the negativity associated with the events and the people involved.
Similarly, neuroscientist Emiliana Simon-Thomas's research shows that when we practice forgiveness, three distinct but interconnected brain systems activate, each contributing to our overall wellness:
Empathy and Perspective-Taking: The anterior insula, temporal parietal junction, and other regions help us understand the harm-doer's experience and context. This doesn't excuse their actions but helps us see them as flawed humans rather than monsters, reducing our sense of personal victimization.
Cognitive Control and Coping: The prefrontal cortex regions help us reframe our experiences and direct our attention toward healing and growth. Instead of spiraling into despair when painful memories surface, we can pause, breathe, and choose responses that serve our well-being.
Social Decision-Making: The orbital frontal cortex helps us evaluate our behavioral options and choose actions aligned with our values and goals. Rather than remaining stuck in cycles of anger or revenge, we can make choices that move us toward connection and meaning.
The Wellness Benefits
The beauty of forgiveness lies in its compound benefits. When we activate these brain systems through forgiveness practice, we're not just healing from specific wounds—we're strengthening neural pathways that support overall mental health and resilience.
People who practice forgiveness experience reduced stress, anxiety, and depression. They report better sleep, improved immune function, and lower blood pressure. Perhaps most importantly, forgiveness frees up tremendous mental and emotional energy that can be redirected toward growth, creativity, and meaningful relationships.
Forgiveness also enhances our capacity for empathy and compassion—not just toward others, but toward ourselves. This self-compassion is crucial for healing from trauma and building lasting well-being.
A Personal Path: Practicing Gratitude as Emotional Reappraisal
De Brigard's ongoing research tests a variety of emotional reappraisal techniques. This got me wondering if practicing Gratitude might become a "go-to" emotional reappraisal technique, leading to forgiveness. Here's how I believe practicing Gratitude could become an emotional reappraisal technique, applied specifically to my struggle with forgiving my former colleagues:
1. Recognizing My "Red Box" Emotions: I've experienced anger, contempt, and a strong desire for revenge when I think about some of my former colleagues. When I think about how their actions led to the most financially devastating period of my life, these emotions surge with surprising intensity.
2. Pause, Breathe, and Label the Felt Emotion: The combination of breathing and labeling has the effect of calming and reducing the impact of the negative emotions. When I feel that familiar anger rising—the sense of betrayal, the financial stress they caused—I can name it: "This is rage. This is a desire for revenge for being deceived by people I trusted."
3. Ask an Empowering Question: In addition to “What matters most now?”, this question might be something like "How might I forgive in order to release myself from this endless cycle of negativity I've been experiencing?"
4. Affirm My Own Dignity and Self-Respect: I, like all human beings, am worthy and deserve to be free from suffering. I've found that choosing to be released from ongoing negative emotions is healthier for me. I might remind myself: "I am worthy of peace. I deserve to be free from the weight of their choices. My value isn't diminished by what they did."
5. Feel Gratitude and Appreciation: This step is the essence of the Gratitude practice. Even considering the devastating period my colleagues' actions caused, I can appreciate: my resilience in surviving that difficult time, the lessons learned about trust and business relationships, the strength I discovered in myself, and the eventual recovery and growth that followed.
6. Contribute to Others' Well-being:. I can channel the wisdom gained from my painful experience into helping others avoid similar situations, or use my recovered strength to support others going through their own difficult periods.
The Ongoing Journey
Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or pretending everything is fine. It's about choosing freedom over bondage, healing over hurt, and your own well-being over the desire for revenge. In a world that often celebrates holding grudges, forgiveness is a radical act of self-care.
The research is clear: forgiveness changes your brain in ways that promote resilience, connection, and joy. By practicing forgiveness—whether through gratitude-based emotional reappraisal or other methods—you're not just healing from the past, you're building a foundation for a more peaceful, purposeful future. Your well-being depends not on what others have done to you, but on how you choose to respond. In forgiveness, you reclaim that power of choice.
I'm suggesting that practicing Gratitude can become a way of life for its other well-known benefits, I believe that forgiveness can be an additional benefit of this practice. To me, that's a good thing; something worth pursuing.